This is a collection of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the last month in Spain. It is going to be extremely sappy, ridiculous, dramatic, and pathetic. I am writing it solely for my own memories of this trip to try and remember this exact moment. This is exactly something I would write in a journal (if I was keeping one) of this trip. Because I am not keeping one, this is going to serve as my synoposis of my time in Barcelona. Feel free to continue reading.
I am sitting here at the kitchen table in Jen and Cristina's apartment. It's 12:36am and (if any of you have seen "Latter Days" that girls song- "Tuesday 3:00am" would be playing in the background). Jen and I just got back from my going away dinner at Oriol's. It never really hit me until the moment I was leaving, Damian looked at me, gave me a hug and with his very characteristic smile and very expressive face, looked at me and said, "OMG, this is it? I can't believe you won't be here anymore." In that moment, it occurred to me that my trip is over. I kept it together as long as I could (I need to cry by myself), but every second of that train ride back, my thoughts were congested with "this is the last..., this is the last..., etc.". I looked at the train differently, I looked at the people on the Metro differently, I read the signs with a different enthusiasm than I had before, etc. Knowing that this is over is riping me up inside. Despite the knowledge that I know I have grown tremendously from this trip and that only good has come out of this (and that I can be rather emotional) I fear going back to San Francisco.
I only speak positively about my home, but I fear the life I was living before. I am full of insecurities, fear, and despair in what I feel awaits me once I step onto that plane tomorrow morning at 11:00am. Being here, as I mentioned before, did not help me run away from my "demons"- those thoughts that keep me living in fear, but it allowed me to start fresh- start new. I got to see myself in a different light. I saw myself for the first time, as someone who is independent and is capable of doing so much on his own; not dependent on this idea of needing another person (partner) for security. For some reason, the fear of being alone (my greatest fear) subsided- for at least one month (Despite my continued and valiant efforts to try and find a boy to distract myself with, God did not allow any romantic connections to be made, soley friendships).
I can see myself stomping my feet, waving my hands in the air and screaming at the top of my lungs, "I don't want to go"- the entire way to the airport. Eventhough I know I have friends who love me in the U.S., there is something validating about meeting new people here in Spain and seeing them accept you for who you are. I felt like I got to view myself interact with these people from a distance. It was like I was able to transport my soul out of my body and watch and I dealt with new people and new situations- I really liked what I saw. I was given this ability to see this childlike person FINALLY getting released. This kid who was beaten down so badly that he has been hiding away in my soul for so many years. This little boy who at one period of time spent his days laughing, smiling, climbing trees, playing with barbies, completely oblivious to the world around him. He was full of joy and compassion. He walked around with an open heart and an open-mind. I was there at one point in my life and I can't wait to get back there.
This boy sees the world from rose colored glasses. The opportunity to meet someone knew is exciting to him, not fearful. He does not worry about what people are thinking of him, instead he lives for enjoying life- every minute of the day. He does not constantly have this weight on his shoulders of "shoulds and ought to's". My heart aches at the thought that that all may disappear once I step foot on the soil of the United States. I fear that the negative, scared, angry, and judgemental person will begin to control my life again. To spend every moment wondering what other people are thinking of you is like being a prisoner to your thoughts.
I have had ups and downs- good and bad things that have happened on this trip, but the one skill that I have acquired has been "The Voice" that has been able to comfort me. If a thought such as, "What do you think they might want me to say" would enter my consciousness, this voice would immediately respond and answer, "Do what you want to do and what makes you happy". This was not something that worked everytime, in fact, sometimes these two voices would argue, but finally, The Voice (the reasonable one) began to ring louder between my ears. I was able to actually apply things that I have learned and see myself for the person that I am. I started to regain faith. I am starting to see the world through rose colored glasses and realizing that it's a choice. It's not actual life circumstances that allow you this gift, you as a person, must choose to see things positively.
It's weird, I am sitting here with both of these voices arguing in my head right now: - Don't say that, you might look ridiculous + Jeff, this is for you, write down any thought, feeling or emotion you are having right now, in this instance, even if it's contradictory, this is for you. - Yes, but people are reading this, say something that is going to make them get closer to you. You know you need their compliments and love, say something so they will comment on your blog. + Jeff, you know that when you do things to try and illicit a response from people, when you get the desired response, it never means very much, because you know you have manipulated them to do what you want. - See, you aren't a good person, you are a manipulator. Seriously, why would someone want to be friends with you, knowing you are constantly contriving a way for them to act towards you? Wait, is contriving even the right word? + Jeff, just write...
I want to write something witty. I want to open the different books I have read this summer that have lead me down the path to stand in the place that I am right now, in this moment. I even have my book, A Return to Love sitting right next to me for inspiration. I want to open the book and find a quote that is going to summarize my trip. Some words of wisdom that will stick with me so that I never lose the insight that I feel I have on myself and my life- right now. Okay- this will be fun. I am going to randomly open the book to a page and read a paragraph- let's see if it's relevant...
Here we go... (seriously, this is completely random)
p. 136- A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
There is a sotry about Leonardo da Vinci that has always moved me. Early in his career, he was painting a picture of Christ and found a profoundly beautiful young male to model for his portrait of Jesus. Many years later, Leonardo was painting a picture that included Judas. He walked through the streets of Florence looking for the perfect person to play the greatest betrayer. Finally he found someone dark-looking enough, evil-seeming enough to do the job. He went up to the man to approach him to do the modeling. The man look at him and said, "You don't remember me, but I know you. Years ago, I was the model for your picture of Jesus."
The next paragraph goes on to explain about the ego and how it interfers with our ability to love. What in fact happens, is that our ego is run by fear (which is the opposite of love). The VERY NEXT PARAGRAPH STARTS (now page 137):
Until we fully appreciate that the ego is the impostor within us, we often fell embarrassed to admit to ourselves, not to mention anyone else, the games we play. Instead of feeling compassion for ourselves, and remembering that our neuroses are our wounds, we tend to be too ashamed to look at them. We think we're bad. 'We think that if we, or anyone else God forbid, were to see the real truth about us, we would all recoil in horror'. The truth, rather, is that if we, or anyone else, were to see the real truth about us, we would all be dazzled by the light...
Whoa! I am completely blown away. I am not quite sure EXACTLY about the Judas/Jesus drawing story ties in, other than we all have different sides to who we are- good/bad- everyone has the same capibilities inside of themselves. However, the preceding paragraph was awesome. I think I may have found something that is practical to the growth I have experienced from this trip- and helps to summarize what I need to remember about myself. Even though I am scared to show people my whole self- including the dirty stuff- I need to remember where it comes from and that the only way to truly heal this part is to embrace the fact that I have it and continue to love regardless. Remember, the opposite of love is fear!
I need to try and catch up on the other blogs- Saturday, Sunday and Monday (that will be posted before this one, but written after I had wrote this post- due to sequencing) that I am so far behind in publishing.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Monday
My final day in Barcelona. Well, after two hours of sleep- that's right, I woke up at 10am... I was up and starting my day. After I finally got that desperately needed shower and some food in my belly so that I was not a complete crabby pants, Ivan, Jen, Cristina and I met up for lunch. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was one of my favorite places to eat in Barcelona- a turkish restaurant in Gracia, Zurna. Same restaurant that I ate at with Jen on Day 2 (when I also got no sleep and was slightly crabby).After lunch, I walked around with Ivan and Cristina after Jen had to go back to work. I showed Ivan my gym and gave him my pass at DIR, I got some gelato at my favorite gelato place (the one that makes the cones in shapes of flowers). and did some sightseeing. I left the two of them as I had plans to meet Dave at the beach.
The beach was nice, but I wasn't planning on his friend, Jordi being there. I was hoping to get some sleep on the beach under the nice, hot, Barcelona sun, but apparently that was not in the cards. So, Dave and I played some paddle ball and I taught him how to do flips and shoulder stands in the water. A pretty relaxing and chill day. Oh yea- and I got a mensaje on the beach (I wanted to get rid of the last few Euros I had).
After the beach, I headed home to get ready for my final night dinner at Oriol's. Oriol was kind enough to host a going away party for me. I was glad to have Jen, Ivan, Damian, Oriol, and Gonzo (Oriol's good friend) all there. We were all sorry that Cristina couldn't join us, but she was there in spirit. Damian brought some Polish vodka (it was EXTREMELY good)- so good that Ivan tried some and liked it. He liked the warm feeling- uh oh! An alcoholic in the making. Okay, just in case some of you don't know- Ivan doesn't drink- he hates alcohol... in the two years of us dating, I think he tried one of my margaritas ONCE! I am not even a big drinker, but when I was with him, I felt like an alcoholic. This is why I keep making all the references of his drinking- Note: Ivan really is not an alcoholic. HA HA HA!!! After a great dinner and fun conversation with some very loved people, Jen and I headed home.
I was actually showing Ivan where the party was the night before. Apparently though, Ivan can't forget about the paparazzis- he's always posing- gosh, Ivan, give it a rest : ) kidding!
I really liked the colors of this door
Art Nouveau or so I was told.
Un mensaje- this was the appropriate picture.
The tasty vodka
What better way to try and stay awake... Red bull and Polish vodka.
I love my Jen
Oriol opening his favorite, cava.
This guy looked how I felt- He fell asleep standing up on the train- ha ha ha!
Sunday
With another day at the beach, you all can be rest assured that Ivan and I are beginning to look more like brothers- ha ha ha! Marbella was a lot of fun today. I was glad to get back to a beach that had nice soft sand, entertaining people, lots of energy, and clean water.Ivan and I met up with Oriol and Damian. The weather has been extremely hot the last few days, so your only real choices are to be indoors or to be by the sea. We chose the sea. I was being ridiculous in the water and met this guy, Laurent from France. He was in BCN for the Eurogames competing in the swimming competition. Apparently, he was interested in doing back flips. I obliged : ) ha ha ha! The best part of it, was Ivan giving him tips and pointers (he was right on too). When Ivan sounded so confident in his knowledge and the feeling of a back flip, I asked if he wanted to try- HA HA HA! He said he prefered to coach from the side : ) ha ha ha!
Ivan and Oriol left the beach (Damian left about an hour or two before, because he has already been there for 5 hours or so before we showed up) and I decided I wanted to stay a little longer to soak in the energy from the people are me. I didn't feel too comfortable standing up and dancing, like the majority of the beach was now doing, so I opened my travel book; Eat, Pray, Love and tried t finish it. Assuming that today was going to be like every other in BCN, I didn't think that I would be interupted. Luckily, I was. Laurent came over and we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up later that night at a party called Gay Day. Then this nice guy, who I had been looking at earlier, Keyan came over. He was American, but had been living in Barcelona for the last 3 years. He was impressed with my concentration on my book. After a nice 10-15 minute conversation talking about our experiences with Barcelona and him trying to convince me to move there- ha ha ha (I am not seriously considering it)! I left hoping to have enough time to go back to our place and take a shower before meeting Jen, Cristina, and Ivan for dinner.
When talking to Jen, I realized that with Ivan not having a phone and them not being home, there was no way that I was going to be able to get a hold of Ivan- so I took the Metro to Marc's place to try and get a hold of Ivan and tell him about our dinner plans. After waiting outside for an hour : ) ha ha ha! I finally got a hold of Oriol to find out that Ivan and he made plans to meet for dinner. Completely a misunderstanding and poor communication on all parties part, I went to meet Jen and Cristina for a wonderful dinner at a German restaurant. All I can think is- HOW DID WE SURVIVE WITHOUT CELL PHONES!? This event was complete deja vu of when I arrived at Oakland airport a few years ago and Ivan was going to pick me up and after about 2 hours later he still wasn't there. I sat outside the airport crying thinking he died in a car accident- NOPE, just didn't have a cell phone and was driving around the airport. Finally, when he parked the car, we found each other. Just like that event at the Oakland airport, Ivan now has a cell phone.
After a wonderful final dinner with just me and the girls, I headed to meet Dave. Still without a shower and only wearing sandals, he went back to my apartment with me so I could put on shoes- in hopes that I wouldn't get kicked out of the party tonight for not having closed toes shoes on : ) We ended up meeting Laurent at the party around 1:45AM- that's right AM! We had an awesome time at the party. This was definitely the best party that I went to while being in Barcelona. All three of us were ridiuclous. I have quite a few pictures below. I left around 4:45am and Laurent decided he was also tired and left with me. I hung out with him at the park until his hostel opened at 7am. I finally got home around 8am- oh lord, how am I ever going to survive my last day in BCN? (It was well worth it : )- )
Damian and Oriol- they are too adorable! "He's okay!" HA HA HA! Puh-LEASE!
It looks like this guy is about to fart in Ivan's ear! HA HA HA!
Keyan disturbing me and my reading : ) Honestly, I didn't mind!
The German restaurant- SO YUMMY!
My favorite picture of Jen and Cristina this trip. They both look so beautiful.
Laurent- The French guy from the beach. This was at the Gay Day party!
Dave and I at the party.
We were trying to find a hottie for Dave. I picked the old guy for him- H-O-T!
Hello -- my private dancers : )
They were dancing just for me : ) No seriously! ha ha ha!
Laurent was being way too serious! So...
I took it upon myself to act like a jacka**. I am so glad it was caught on camera- thanks, Dave!
SOLUD!
Yea, I know I act ridicous when dancing, but this picture was to give the guy where my right hand is, a hard time. He was being a snot to Dave- so I took it upon myself to embarrass him- apparently, I was just making an a** of myself. Whatever, it got laughs!Note: Don't give my friends a hard time or I will make you a dirty, nasty, pig bottom!
The robot! Work it Dave!
Trying to teach Frenchie the robot.
What to do at 6am and no place to go!? Ha ha ha : )
Take ridiculous pictures! What? That's right, only take pictures :) ha ha ha! Yea, right!
BYE BYE LAURENT : (
Saturday
Wow- today I was lucky enough to get to travel to the Costa Brava and to the town of Tossa Del Mar. Oriol, Damian, Jen, Cristina and Ivan joined me in the trek up north. After getting a little bit of a late start (and after getting about 4.5 hours of sleep) we were in our two cars heading up north.When we got there, my breath was taken away by the water. I don't know if the pictures do it any justice, but holy cow! Talk about CRYSTAL CLEAR. We did not head to the beach right away, but walked around the town some and got lunch. When we finally got to the beach, I was so excited! It looked like it was going to be 10 times the beach Sitges was.
Was I ever disappointed- I know- how could I possibly disappointed with water that looked like that? Well, the beach was pebbly, all the people at the beach were tourists and had this very boring- lame vibe, when I finally went into the water, there was debre all on top of the water- I am guessing from the boats that were about 100 meters out from the shore, and we were the only gay people on the beach. The water color was pretty, but the rocky bottom and the dirty water was not very inviting. I also didn't like the drastic slope into the Sea. Don't worry, the rest of the experience of Tossa Del Mar gets better.
Jen and Cristina left to head back to the city and Ivan, Damian, Oriol and I went to get some gelato and check out the castle that we saw on the mountain next to the beach. On our way up- I saw these kids cliff jumping. It wasn't really that high, but I had ALWAYS wanted to do it. I know I may come off as someone who might not be scared of heights- but they terrify me, but I love the feeling of being scared to do something and doing it anyway. You can see the video at the end of the blog- the first of the two jumps recorded (I did 3) happen about 50 seconds in.
Again, thank you to Oriol and Damian who were ever so patient with me while I made our whole group stop to let me experience one of my dreams. It was SO FUN! Afterwards, we continued our trek up the hill to the castle. You can see the walk up in the pictures below. None of us knew the history, but you could feel the years this hill had lived through. Once my life gets a little less busy, I want to look up the history of this place.
After checking out the "old town"- which I should have taken more pictures of (maybe Ivan has some), we walked around the town a little more- stopping to grab some candy and fruit. Later that night, we met up with Jen to have dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in the city. I -OF COURSE- forgot the real name of it, but the last time I posted about it, I called it La Sala- which is not correct, but hey... it's the one with the dessert that looks like eggs benedict, remember?
After dinner, everyone retired and I felt the need to go out and meet up with my friend Dave. Dave and I met in Chicago about 6 years ago. He was in the navy and stationed at the naval base near Chicago. We reconnected on gay romeo and met up later that night at the Eurogames final night party. Unfortunately, he and his friends said the party was lame and that I should save 15 euros. Instead, I met them out front and went to this DARK, SEEDY bar to get tickets to this other "club" called Martin's. This dark, seedy bar was way worse than the Eagle in Cincy- It was so gross. It was fun to see Dave's reaction though, "this place isn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be". I told him, "I dare you to walk to the back by yourself". He chickened out!
When we got to Martin's, they wouldn't let me in, because I had sandals on. Heather- Lindsay, sound familiar? Yea- check out the picture below. So, I told them I didn't want to keep them from going to the club that they were looking forward to going to, so I headed to the metro. Dave called me and told me they found shoes and to head back. After inquiring why someone was carrying with them, 2 pairs of shoes, he told me that his friend was sitting inside without shoes on and that we would just use his shoes to get in. HOW LUCKY FOR ME : ) (hear the sarcastic tone in my voice). Once inside, even worse than the other bar. Not as seedy, but definitely just as dirty and to my surprise and excitement- BEAR PORN on a huge screen near the dance floor! FUN FUN FUN! I lasted about an hour in the cigarette filled, sweaty, muggy bar before I had to call it quits. Not the easiest place to swallow being at after only 4.5 hours of sleep from the night before.
The scenic view driving up to the Costa Brava.
I didn't catch too much of it- ha ha ha! I was sleeping : )
An old stream that ran through the town that is now dried up (possibly for the summer).
Mis companeros a almuerzo en Tossa Del Mar
Ivan has been working hard to fix his inflexible arms so he can do a proper hi-v. His hard work is paying off. Seriously though, who randomly does a hi-v at lunch? : )
Look at that WATER!!!
Damian changing into his new banador (bathing suit). Oriol decided to be difficult and pull his towel off of him while he was changing!Gays can be so ridiclous sometimes! : )
A view of the castle from the beach.
Ha ha ha! I make myself laugh- that's all that matters : ) "STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY GELATO!"
A view from half way up going to the castle. The beach behind them was the one we were on earlier in the day.
CITO y yo!
A really cool old church on the way up to the top of the hill.
: ) I love these guys!
So, when we got to the top to see the castle, yea, there was no castle. HA HA HA! What's at the top now is a museum sort of thing, a few restaurants, a cafe. It was still beautiful. The half church that I showed before and a few other older walls were all that was really up on the hill- other than the brick that you can see from the beach that lined the walk way up to the top of the hill.
Another picturesque view of Tossa Del Mar.
A part of the "Old town".
My mom was very disappointed to hear that I didn't buy any candy when I went to the boqueria- so I couldn't let her down this last time. I got a bunch of Ivan, Damian, and Oriol's favorites- no seriously! I didn't eat any of it : ) ha ha ha! I can't even lie when I type. After I finally wrestled the candy away from Ivan, I enjoyed some of Oriol's favorite sugary candy.
Ivan at dinner at some restaurant- aka La Sala. HE IS DRINKING ALCOHOL- See Cristina, even Ivan drinks sangria.
This was all I got to see of the Eurogames party! A BIG LONG LINE!
Dark, seedy bar number 1- looks inviting, huh!?
Deja vu! These were my sneakers for 2 minutes- work well with the outfit, huh!? I had stylish shoes on for 2 minutes of my life!The Cliff Jumping Video:
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