For me (3 new posts below)

This is a collection of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the last month in Spain. It is going to be extremely sappy, ridiculous, dramatic, and pathetic. I am writing it solely for my own memories of this trip to try and remember this exact moment. This is exactly something I would write in a journal (if I was keeping one) of this trip. Because I am not keeping one, this is going to serve as my synoposis of my time in Barcelona. Feel free to continue reading.

I am sitting here at the kitchen table in Jen and Cristina's apartment. It's 12:36am and (if any of you have seen "Latter Days" that girls song- "Tuesday 3:00am" would be playing in the background). Jen and I just got back from my going away dinner at Oriol's. It never really hit me until the moment I was leaving, Damian looked at me, gave me a hug and with his very characteristic smile and very expressive face, looked at me and said, "OMG, this is it? I can't believe you won't be here anymore." In that moment, it occurred to me that my trip is over. I kept it together as long as I could (I need to cry by myself), but every second of that train ride back, my thoughts were congested with "this is the last..., this is the last..., etc.". I looked at the train differently, I looked at the people on the Metro differently, I read the signs with a different enthusiasm than I had before, etc. Knowing that this is over is riping me up inside. Despite the knowledge that I know I have grown tremendously from this trip and that only good has come out of this (and that I can be rather emotional) I fear going back to San Francisco.

I only speak positively about my home, but I fear the life I was living before. I am full of insecurities, fear, and despair in what I feel awaits me once I step onto that plane tomorrow morning at 11:00am. Being here, as I mentioned before, did not help me run away from my "demons"- those thoughts that keep me living in fear, but it allowed me to start fresh- start new. I got to see myself in a different light. I saw myself for the first time, as someone who is independent and is capable of doing so much on his own; not dependent on this idea of needing another person (partner) for security. For some reason, the fear of being alone (my greatest fear) subsided- for at least one month (Despite my continued and valiant efforts to try and find a boy to distract myself with, God did not allow any romantic connections to be made, soley friendships).

I can see myself stomping my feet, waving my hands in the air and screaming at the top of my lungs, "I don't want to go"- the entire way to the airport. Eventhough I know I have friends who love me in the U.S., there is something validating about meeting new people here in Spain and seeing them accept you for who you are. I felt like I got to view myself interact with these people from a distance. It was like I was able to transport my soul out of my body and watch and I dealt with new people and new situations- I really liked what I saw. I was given this ability to see this childlike person FINALLY getting released. This kid who was beaten down so badly that he has been hiding away in my soul for so many years. This little boy who at one period of time spent his days laughing, smiling, climbing trees, playing with barbies, completely oblivious to the world around him. He was full of joy and compassion. He walked around with an open heart and an open-mind. I was there at one point in my life and I can't wait to get back there.

This boy sees the world from rose colored glasses. The opportunity to meet someone knew is exciting to him, not fearful. He does not worry about what people are thinking of him, instead he lives for enjoying life- every minute of the day. He does not constantly have this weight on his shoulders of "shoulds and ought to's". My heart aches at the thought that that all may disappear once I step foot on the soil of the United States. I fear that the negative, scared, angry, and judgemental person will begin to control my life again. To spend every moment wondering what other people are thinking of you is like being a prisoner to your thoughts.

I have had ups and downs- good and bad things that have happened on this trip, but the one skill that I have acquired has been "The Voice" that has been able to comfort me. If a thought such as, "What do you think they might want me to say" would enter my consciousness, this voice would immediately respond and answer, "Do what you want to do and what makes you happy". This was not something that worked everytime, in fact, sometimes these two voices would argue, but finally, The Voice (the reasonable one) began to ring louder between my ears. I was able to actually apply things that I have learned and see myself for the person that I am. I started to regain faith. I am starting to see the world through rose colored glasses and realizing that it's a choice. It's not actual life circumstances that allow you this gift, you as a person, must choose to see things positively.

It's weird, I am sitting here with both of these voices arguing in my head right now: - Don't say that, you might look ridiculous + Jeff, this is for you, write down any thought, feeling or emotion you are having right now, in this instance, even if it's contradictory, this is for you. - Yes, but people are reading this, say something that is going to make them get closer to you. You know you need their compliments and love, say something so they will comment on your blog. + Jeff, you know that when you do things to try and illicit a response from people, when you get the desired response, it never means very much, because you know you have manipulated them to do what you want. - See, you aren't a good person, you are a manipulator. Seriously, why would someone want to be friends with you, knowing you are constantly contriving a way for them to act towards you? Wait, is contriving even the right word? + Jeff, just write...

I want to write something witty. I want to open the different books I have read this summer that have lead me down the path to stand in the place that I am right now, in this moment. I even have my book, A Return to Love sitting right next to me for inspiration. I want to open the book and find a quote that is going to summarize my trip. Some words of wisdom that will stick with me so that I never lose the insight that I feel I have on myself and my life- right now. Okay- this will be fun. I am going to randomly open the book to a page and read a paragraph- let's see if it's relevant...

Here we go... (seriously, this is completely random)
p. 136- A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

There is a sotry about Leonardo da Vinci that has always moved me. Early in his career, he was painting a picture of Christ and found a profoundly beautiful young male to model for his portrait of Jesus. Many years later, Leonardo was painting a picture that included Judas. He walked through the streets of Florence looking for the perfect person to play the greatest betrayer. Finally he found someone dark-looking enough, evil-seeming enough to do the job. He went up to the man to approach him to do the modeling. The man look at him and said, "You don't remember me, but I know you. Years ago, I was the model for your picture of Jesus."

The next paragraph goes on to explain about the ego and how it interfers with our ability to love. What in fact happens, is that our ego is run by fear (which is the opposite of love). The VERY NEXT PARAGRAPH STARTS (now page 137):

Until we fully appreciate that the ego is the impostor within us, we often fell embarrassed to admit to ourselves, not to mention anyone else, the games we play. Instead of feeling compassion for ourselves, and remembering that our neuroses are our wounds, we tend to be too ashamed to look at them. We think we're bad. 'We think that if we, or anyone else God forbid, were to see the real truth about us, we would all recoil in horror'. The truth, rather, is that if we, or anyone else, were to see the real truth about us, we would all be dazzled by the light...

Whoa! I am completely blown away. I am not quite sure EXACTLY about the Judas/Jesus drawing story ties in, other than we all have different sides to who we are- good/bad- everyone has the same capibilities inside of themselves. However, the preceding paragraph was awesome. I think I may have found something that is practical to the growth I have experienced from this trip- and helps to summarize what I need to remember about myself. Even though I am scared to show people my whole self- including the dirty stuff- I need to remember where it comes from and that the only way to truly heal this part is to embrace the fact that I have it and continue to love regardless. Remember, the opposite of love is fear!

I need to try and catch up on the other blogs- Saturday, Sunday and Monday (that will be posted before this one, but written after I had wrote this post- due to sequencing) that I am so far behind in publishing.