The Process

Warning: This post is about my deepest thoughts and feelings about myself at this point in time. There will be no pictures and no videos- continue as you wish...

For the past 15 days, I have been living in paradise. I have had the opportunity to learn a new language, experience a new culture, meet new people, experience some of the best summer weather- to date, have the freedom to do as I please, eat amazing food- basically, live a blessed life. Other blessings have been the many different and beautiful parts of and around Barcelona; Gracia, La Ribera, Eixample, El Raval, Montjuic, El port, La Playa Barceloneta, Sitges, etc.

One place that I have not visited much, is Jeff's world. This is a place that I would describe as dark and depressing. It's a place that I think we all go to from time to time. I think it's the place that most Americans try to avoid. The best way for me to explain it is the place where your most negative thoughts come about. It's the place where you feel the darkness as a cold, grey cloud that entraps you. It holds you tight and is so consuming you don't see a way out. This is the place I woke up today.

There is typically no ryhme or reason to this experience. Usually, for me, it's when I have nothing to do. If I don't have plans, if I am not sure what I am going to do with my day, this dark, seedy world creeps up behind me and encircles me. It may be the fact that I am thinking about how I am going to be done with my trip soon, it may be the negative thougths of being alone, it may be the fear of not knowing what is going to happen next- regardless of what may have awoken this beast, it rose within me when I stepped foot out of my bed.

Knowing that I usually fight to rid myself of this cloud, today, I decided to let it in and befriend him. I took it as a warning that I needed to do something for myself today. Instead of a day of shoulds- like I should go take pictures, I should experience everything Barcelona has to offer while I am still here, I should make something amazing happen today, etc. I decided to just be. To take each passing thought and desire and let it lead me. This is exactly what my new friend does not want. He wants me to struggle, to fight, and to be tormented by the shoulds vs. the wants. I realized today, that I wanted to be lazy. I didn't want any remarkable thing to happen, instead, I just wanted to be.

I decided that I wanted to BE at the gym. I knew that a good run always helps organize my thoughts and my emotions and I knew that some sun while reading a good book is also something I enjoy. Lucky for me, the gym has both there. The Dir that I go to has two solariums (sun decks). After practicing my Spanish to the girl at the front desk (and being proud of myself for asking TWO questions in Spanish), I headed to the solarium to soak up some sun and to be present. I enjoyed the moment- I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my chest, stomach, and face. I smiled as I felt the sweat bead slide down from my brow into my ear. The idea that it was July and I was getting to experience a summer made me so thankful.

After putting my physical body into a complete state of relaxation, I picked up the new book that I am reading (I have gone through 2 others on this trip)- Eat Pray Love. Basically, it's about a woman who after a terrible divorce (where she lost everything), then had a terrible breakup with the love of her life, who also experiences years of depression, decides to take a year off and travel to three countries; Italy, India, and Indonesia. The story is about her travels. How perfect, right? I enjoyed the ability to get caught up in her world and compare her story to mine. As I was reading, I became distracted by this attractive guy who took residence in a chair very close to me.

After staring at this extremely handsome guy I could feel my ego jumping up and down inside of me, "look at me, look at me- validate me and show me that you think I am attractive!" It took me a good three minutes or so as I "pretended to read" but in all actuality take every chance I could to get a glimpse of him, to realize that it was not so much that I found him attractive as I wanted him to give me attention. This is NOT something that is fun to admit. This is not something that I share with everyone here as anything other than my most honest thoughts!

I thought to myself, do I really want to make a bid for this guys attention time and time again without even knowing anything about him? Why am I giving a complete stranger control over how I feel about myself? The thought then came to my mind- "This is not far fetched for you. Jeff, this is something that you do on a daily basis." Is this true? Is this really what I do!? OMG- it is! I am still looking for other people to validate me! Realizing that there is nothing wrong with wanting validation, but realizing that the line is being crossed for me, because I went from a day of wanting to focus on myself to focusing on some other person (a completely stranger at that!) and what they think of me.

Realizing this, I packed up my things and went to the treadmill. The moment the run started, I felt at peace. I have not felt so relaxed while running in MONTHS. I felt like I was running on a cloud. The moment my knees felt a tinge of pain, I took a deep breath and the pain subsided. In the instance my butt began to tighten and my hips started to cramp, I would take a deep breath and say to myself, just relax. It worked! I felt so good about the run that I decided I want more than 30 minutes in that spiritual place- I put the time to an hour. I gave myself and hour to sit with my physical self, emotional self, and mental self. The run gave me a lot of time to reconnect with God.

As many of you know, God and I have been having a rough period lately. I love Him, but much of what I have been taught about Him has been false- it's not real (I respect everyone for having their own personal relationship with God and their own beliefs- the following are mine FOR MY LIFE). I realize that I use to view God as having two sides; The passionate, loving, caring, nurturing God- but then there was the angry, vengeful God that we are to FEAR(!?). The first God I have always been close with. He is the one that granted me with a life of happiness and stands by my side. It is the other God that I have lived in fear of since I was young. I remember (Mom, Teddy, Dad, and Brad get ready for this one) when I use to steal money from my family. I would take money so that I could buy Baskin Robbins (talk about an addict, right?). Afterwards, I would wait for God to punish me. I am talking about a 10, 11, 12 year old who thought that every bad thing he did was going to be held against him and he should fear the punishment that God was going to have for him. I never feared my parents punishment. I could handle the spankings, I could handle the mouth being washed out, I could handle being put in the corner, but I feared what God had in store for me.

To grow up in constant fear of "this" God is what culminated for me at the end of last year. I needed to say good bye to this god. I no longer believe in him. I think he is a fabrication of what society feels should happen to people when they do something "immoral". I definitely think that there is an order to life, but I do not think God has ever nor will ever PLAN on punishing people. Wow- back to my day...

As I was running, I was talking to God about how thankful I am for this opportunity of being in Barcelona. I was thinking of all the wonderful friends I have and how I am glad that they are in my life. I thought and prayed for the many people that I know that are trying to get pregnant, trying to fight depression, looking for self acceptance, searching for peace, figuring out their romantic relationships, trying to control their anger, etc. I am thinking of these people that I care most about (coincidentally enough, if you are reading this blog- you are one of them). I then think to myself, what do I want? I realize it's the same prayer I always say- God, I want to be happy. I realize in that moment, I am!

There is nothing wonderful about my day. There are no pictures to show my friends and family about what a fantastic time I am having. There is no proof to my joy, but I can feel it! I look to my day FINALLY, without judgement. To an outside observer it might not have been much, but for me, it was full. I continued to think of things that I wanted to do during the rest of that day that would bring me joy. Ironically enough, a banana and peanut butter, chocolate milk shake tops my list. I know that Jen is going to make some lazagna (that I expected to be as good as everything else she has made (and it was)). I also wanted to finally get caught up on my episodes of the Real World, and I want to have a really nice stretch after running.

I got to do all of those things. My day was wonderful! Nothing spectacular, nothing fancy- just me BEING me. I have now brough Jeff to Barcelona- the good, the bad, and the lost in thought!